Yesterday was rather difficult. Here's an excerpt from an e-mail I sent to a friend of mine in the program during the day.
What happened was I set off from Laura's place bright and early intending to do some shopping, hit the SF museum of modern art, catch a movie or another museum, then make a meeting in the late afternoon. Well I got downtown ok, then found the art museum didn't open till 11am. After wandering around for a while I got bored, then decided to skip the museum, then decided to skip the movie, then decided to just head over to the Castro to get some lunch. I have Vietnamese pho (beef noodle soup), which was pretty good. So then it was still not yet 2pm and I had hours to kill before the meeting. I couldn't bring myself to actually do anything and I was outside all day and getting kind of sweaty and feeling slightly gross, and my tshirt didn't fit right so I felt extra self-conscious and everything. So that's basically how I got myself worked all up into a frenzy and wanting to get plastered in the middle of the day. Of course there were other factors at work as well. I was feeling inadequate in all kinds of ways, and making all kinds of wishes about myself. Wishing my family were different, wishing my body were different, wishing I had a cool job and more money and a partner, and and and....ad naseum. In other words, I was doing a pretty good number on myself. Writing the e-mail that I quoted above was probably the smartest move I made that day.
After I wrote it, I went to a special shop that specialized in particular kinds of products that are of interest to a special segment of the population if you get my drift. A particular item caught my eye but I couldn't quite see how it worked so I asked the guy about it, and he commenced with the hard core flirting. It had been a long time since anything like that had happened to me, and my had was still pretty fucked up, so I didn't really know how to respond. I kind of regret that I didn't flirt back more. I'll bet some pretty interesting things could have happened if I had. Oh well, we'll never know.
When I got back to Laura's that night I send another e-mail to the same friend I wrote to from the cafe. Here's an excerpt
So that was my adventure. It's actually nearly a week later as I finish this. I'm leaving the date the same since I began writing on the same day, and also it will help keep things in order. I have more stuff to write about and I'll likely post-date those things as well.
Here's a picture of the Castro district, and the biggest damn gay flag I'm likely ever to see in my life.
At the moment I'm in a cyber-cafe in the Castro district in San Francisco. To be honest I'm having kind of a hard day. It's a beautiful, sunny day and I'm in a neighborhood surrounded with people who are like me so I should feel right at home, but instead I'm feeling kind of sad. I guess mostly I'm feeling physically inadequate. There are so many HOT guys around here. And I guess I'm feeling a little lonely too. You know what? I just realized what it is; It's that I-dont-belong-in-any-world feeling I get sometimes. You know, not feeling comfortable with straight people, nor feeling very comfortable with other gay people, not feeling exactly at home in America, but definitely not feeling at home anywhere else. What a drag! I have to admit I was walking past a bar and was pretty tempted by it. There must have been 20 guys in there drinking and looking like they were having a good time, and this on a Monday afternoon. (Like, don't these people have jobs?) I didn't go in though, and I'm not going to. Actually I'm going to a gay mens meeting at 6 (it's 4pm now), which should be good and will hopefully help me stay on track.
Anyway, so that's what's going on. I didn't know what else to do so that's why I ducked into this cafe so I could write and tell someone about it. Just doing this has helped me get some peace. I'm going to be alright, but I'll send another message when I get back to my friend's place tonight just so you'll know I made it through the day alright.
What happened was I set off from Laura's place bright and early intending to do some shopping, hit the SF museum of modern art, catch a movie or another museum, then make a meeting in the late afternoon. Well I got downtown ok, then found the art museum didn't open till 11am. After wandering around for a while I got bored, then decided to skip the museum, then decided to skip the movie, then decided to just head over to the Castro to get some lunch. I have Vietnamese pho (beef noodle soup), which was pretty good. So then it was still not yet 2pm and I had hours to kill before the meeting. I couldn't bring myself to actually do anything and I was outside all day and getting kind of sweaty and feeling slightly gross, and my tshirt didn't fit right so I felt extra self-conscious and everything. So that's basically how I got myself worked all up into a frenzy and wanting to get plastered in the middle of the day. Of course there were other factors at work as well. I was feeling inadequate in all kinds of ways, and making all kinds of wishes about myself. Wishing my family were different, wishing my body were different, wishing I had a cool job and more money and a partner, and and and....ad naseum. In other words, I was doing a pretty good number on myself. Writing the e-mail that I quoted above was probably the smartest move I made that day.
After I wrote it, I went to a special shop that specialized in particular kinds of products that are of interest to a special segment of the population if you get my drift. A particular item caught my eye but I couldn't quite see how it worked so I asked the guy about it, and he commenced with the hard core flirting. It had been a long time since anything like that had happened to me, and my had was still pretty fucked up, so I didn't really know how to respond. I kind of regret that I didn't flirt back more. I'll bet some pretty interesting things could have happened if I had. Oh well, we'll never know.
When I got back to Laura's that night I send another e-mail to the same friend I wrote to from the cafe. Here's an excerpt
Well, I made it. It's past midnight and I didn't drink today, but it
looks like this vacation might be harder than I first realized...Anyway the meeting I went to was great. There were about 60 people,
mostly gay men but a few women as well. I almost didn't go because I
had such a long wait and I was feeling so insecure and inadequate
earlier today, but of course I'm really glad I went...The topic was
acceptance and naturally I heard a lot of things I really needed to
hear. It was also nice, after feeling so isolated and abnormal today,
to walk into a room full of lots of people who have probably felt
exactly like I did today at one time or another.
So that was my adventure. It's actually nearly a week later as I finish this. I'm leaving the date the same since I began writing on the same day, and also it will help keep things in order. I have more stuff to write about and I'll likely post-date those things as well.
Here's a picture of the Castro district, and the biggest damn gay flag I'm likely ever to see in my life.
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