Welcome to the crazy!
So, I don't exactly know if I should be publishing something this personal, but here's something I wrote yesterday while I was as Sky Harbor waiting for my shuttle to Tucson.
That was yesterday. Today I got an answer back from my friend (who I've decided not to name in the interest of preserving anonymity), and she said the plate was no big deal, and she hope I didn't think she was mad at me. It's almost like she read what I wrote yesterday, even though the above hadn't gone any further than my own computer at the time.
So it looks like in addition to avoiding responibility, I also seem to over-dramatize negative situations, and I kind of soak up the guilt and shame like a sponge. Let the pity party begin...
So, I don't exactly know if I should be publishing something this personal, but here's something I wrote yesterday while I was as Sky Harbor waiting for my shuttle to Tucson.
What I’ve been realizing lately is how even without alcohol I’ve still got numerous what you’d call defects of character that keep me from being, I don’t know what to say, like a real human being. This thing happened with my friend where I wanted to do something nice for she and her husband so I washed the dishes in their sink just before I left last Wednesday. I washed a plate that had been carrying a tart that a friend of hers made for her birthday. Well, when I was washing the plate it slipped and the edge chipped. Not knowing what to do I simply put the plate into the dish drainer and threw the chipped pieces away. Then I got busy with getting stuff together to get to the airport and forgot all about it. A few days later she wrote me an e-mail and asked me about it. She was very diplomatic and didn’t come right out and say, “Hey! you fuckhead! Why the hell did you chip my friend’s plate and then just leave it?” But in my mind I felt sure she must have been thinking that in some fashion. Of course I felt awful, and wrote back and explained what had happened and apologized profusely and offered to pay for a new plate. She hasn’t written back anything about it, so now I wonder if she’s mad at me. And I’m killing myself thinking, why the hell didn’t I at least leave a note or something? This kind of avoidance of conflict is something I’ve done all my life, and it looks like I’m still doing it.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not blaming alcohol for this. I’m not putting responsibility for my behavior on alcoholism. Rather, it’s more accurate to say that the same character defect that caused me to do this also caused me to drink excessively. It’s all about avoiding pain and responsibility.
Maybe this isn’t such a big deal. I saw a plate at Target that I think is identical to the one I chipped and it was only like $2.98 or something; and after all, the whole thing came about because I was attempting to do something nice. Finally, who among us hasn’t chipped a plate or a glass at some point in our lives? Still, it’s not the incident that matters but my reaction to it. At least, it’s useful I think, because it gives me a crystal clear example of the kind of behavior that I’ve got to face up to if I’m going to stay sober. Step four is going to be a bitch! As a sort of prelude to step four, I think I’ll try to go off this example and list some other times when I avoided responsibility or tried (consciously or unconsciously) to cover up a mistake.
That was yesterday. Today I got an answer back from my friend (who I've decided not to name in the interest of preserving anonymity), and she said the plate was no big deal, and she hope I didn't think she was mad at me. It's almost like she read what I wrote yesterday, even though the above hadn't gone any further than my own computer at the time.
So it looks like in addition to avoiding responibility, I also seem to over-dramatize negative situations, and I kind of soak up the guilt and shame like a sponge. Let the pity party begin...
I got the job!
This morning I got an e-mail from the recruiter in Korea I've been talking to and found out I got the job with the Seoul public schools. This is the one I've been hoping for, so this is a good thing. Somehow I've now got to get a medical evaluation signed by a physician. This could be a bit of a trick since I don't have health insurance at the moment. Shoulda done it while I was still in Russia. Oh, and I've got to come up with $800 for a plane ticket.
This morning I got an e-mail from the recruiter in Korea I've been talking to and found out I got the job with the Seoul public schools. This is the one I've been hoping for, so this is a good thing. Somehow I've now got to get a medical evaluation signed by a physician. This could be a bit of a trick since I don't have health insurance at the moment. Shoulda done it while I was still in Russia. Oh, and I've got to come up with $800 for a plane ticket.
For whatever reason I just haven't wanted to add much here lately. So many things are happening right now I don't know how I should be feeling at any given moment. Although right now I'd say bored is a pretty fair assumption. As soon as I can today I want to escape and go get a coffee. I want to try and make a 5:30 meeting, but I think I'll have to do the family thing at that time.
Here's a picture of me and Laura at San Francisco's Golden Gate Park.
Here's a picture of me and Laura at San Francisco's Golden Gate Park.
Aaahhh, connectivity is a good thing! I'm here in Arizona at my parents house, feeling sort dissatisfied because I just didn't like using my dad's computer for internet and whatnot. Anyway, this afternoon I noticed his DSL router had a little antenna on top of it and I wondered what that was all about. Sure enough, it's a wireless capable router. I took a few tries to get the connection configured, but I done it. So now I can Internet to my little hearts content. Yeah, it's all of ten feet away from my dad's computer but damnit! This laptop is mine and I wants it!
Well, now that I'm wirelessly wired again, I'll update the ole bloggaroonie with some pics from San Francisco and stuff. More coming soon.
Well, now that I'm wirelessly wired again, I'll update the ole bloggaroonie with some pics from San Francisco and stuff. More coming soon.
Yesterday was rather difficult. Here's an excerpt from an e-mail I sent to a friend of mine in the program during the day.
What happened was I set off from Laura's place bright and early intending to do some shopping, hit the SF museum of modern art, catch a movie or another museum, then make a meeting in the late afternoon. Well I got downtown ok, then found the art museum didn't open till 11am. After wandering around for a while I got bored, then decided to skip the museum, then decided to skip the movie, then decided to just head over to the Castro to get some lunch. I have Vietnamese pho (beef noodle soup), which was pretty good. So then it was still not yet 2pm and I had hours to kill before the meeting. I couldn't bring myself to actually do anything and I was outside all day and getting kind of sweaty and feeling slightly gross, and my tshirt didn't fit right so I felt extra self-conscious and everything. So that's basically how I got myself worked all up into a frenzy and wanting to get plastered in the middle of the day. Of course there were other factors at work as well. I was feeling inadequate in all kinds of ways, and making all kinds of wishes about myself. Wishing my family were different, wishing my body were different, wishing I had a cool job and more money and a partner, and and and....ad naseum. In other words, I was doing a pretty good number on myself. Writing the e-mail that I quoted above was probably the smartest move I made that day.
After I wrote it, I went to a special shop that specialized in particular kinds of products that are of interest to a special segment of the population if you get my drift. A particular item caught my eye but I couldn't quite see how it worked so I asked the guy about it, and he commenced with the hard core flirting. It had been a long time since anything like that had happened to me, and my had was still pretty fucked up, so I didn't really know how to respond. I kind of regret that I didn't flirt back more. I'll bet some pretty interesting things could have happened if I had. Oh well, we'll never know.
When I got back to Laura's that night I send another e-mail to the same friend I wrote to from the cafe. Here's an excerpt
So that was my adventure. It's actually nearly a week later as I finish this. I'm leaving the date the same since I began writing on the same day, and also it will help keep things in order. I have more stuff to write about and I'll likely post-date those things as well.
Here's a picture of the Castro district, and the biggest damn gay flag I'm likely ever to see in my life.
At the moment I'm in a cyber-cafe in the Castro district in San Francisco. To be honest I'm having kind of a hard day. It's a beautiful, sunny day and I'm in a neighborhood surrounded with people who are like me so I should feel right at home, but instead I'm feeling kind of sad. I guess mostly I'm feeling physically inadequate. There are so many HOT guys around here. And I guess I'm feeling a little lonely too. You know what? I just realized what it is; It's that I-dont-belong-in-any-world feeling I get sometimes. You know, not feeling comfortable with straight people, nor feeling very comfortable with other gay people, not feeling exactly at home in America, but definitely not feeling at home anywhere else. What a drag! I have to admit I was walking past a bar and was pretty tempted by it. There must have been 20 guys in there drinking and looking like they were having a good time, and this on a Monday afternoon. (Like, don't these people have jobs?) I didn't go in though, and I'm not going to. Actually I'm going to a gay mens meeting at 6 (it's 4pm now), which should be good and will hopefully help me stay on track.
Anyway, so that's what's going on. I didn't know what else to do so that's why I ducked into this cafe so I could write and tell someone about it. Just doing this has helped me get some peace. I'm going to be alright, but I'll send another message when I get back to my friend's place tonight just so you'll know I made it through the day alright.
What happened was I set off from Laura's place bright and early intending to do some shopping, hit the SF museum of modern art, catch a movie or another museum, then make a meeting in the late afternoon. Well I got downtown ok, then found the art museum didn't open till 11am. After wandering around for a while I got bored, then decided to skip the museum, then decided to skip the movie, then decided to just head over to the Castro to get some lunch. I have Vietnamese pho (beef noodle soup), which was pretty good. So then it was still not yet 2pm and I had hours to kill before the meeting. I couldn't bring myself to actually do anything and I was outside all day and getting kind of sweaty and feeling slightly gross, and my tshirt didn't fit right so I felt extra self-conscious and everything. So that's basically how I got myself worked all up into a frenzy and wanting to get plastered in the middle of the day. Of course there were other factors at work as well. I was feeling inadequate in all kinds of ways, and making all kinds of wishes about myself. Wishing my family were different, wishing my body were different, wishing I had a cool job and more money and a partner, and and and....ad naseum. In other words, I was doing a pretty good number on myself. Writing the e-mail that I quoted above was probably the smartest move I made that day.
After I wrote it, I went to a special shop that specialized in particular kinds of products that are of interest to a special segment of the population if you get my drift. A particular item caught my eye but I couldn't quite see how it worked so I asked the guy about it, and he commenced with the hard core flirting. It had been a long time since anything like that had happened to me, and my had was still pretty fucked up, so I didn't really know how to respond. I kind of regret that I didn't flirt back more. I'll bet some pretty interesting things could have happened if I had. Oh well, we'll never know.
When I got back to Laura's that night I send another e-mail to the same friend I wrote to from the cafe. Here's an excerpt
Well, I made it. It's past midnight and I didn't drink today, but it
looks like this vacation might be harder than I first realized...Anyway the meeting I went to was great. There were about 60 people,
mostly gay men but a few women as well. I almost didn't go because I
had such a long wait and I was feeling so insecure and inadequate
earlier today, but of course I'm really glad I went...The topic was
acceptance and naturally I heard a lot of things I really needed to
hear. It was also nice, after feeling so isolated and abnormal today,
to walk into a room full of lots of people who have probably felt
exactly like I did today at one time or another.
So that was my adventure. It's actually nearly a week later as I finish this. I'm leaving the date the same since I began writing on the same day, and also it will help keep things in order. I have more stuff to write about and I'll likely post-date those things as well.
Here's a picture of the Castro district, and the biggest damn gay flag I'm likely ever to see in my life.
San Francisco!
So, I'm here. It was strange yesterday to wake up in Moscow, see the Eifel tower during my stopover in Paris, then see the Golen Gate Bridge while coming in for a landing at SFO.
The trip itself came off ok, except I think Air France's motto must be, "we hate the people in coach" Really, I've never felt so prodded, placed and processed in my life. They must see passengers the way Fed-Ex sees a box.
Got in to SF at about 1:30 pm local time. Since then I've had five cigarettes, not many in other words. I'm going to try to ween myself down to only a few per day, if not give them up entirely before I get to Phoenix next week. Several times over the past few days in Moscow, I was about to buy a carton or two so I'd have them during my trip, but each time I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I decided to use the high price of cigarettes here as incentive to give it up. Well, either that will happen, or I'll just spends shitloads of money on cigarettes.
hopefully I'll have some pictures to post within a day or two.
So, I'm here. It was strange yesterday to wake up in Moscow, see the Eifel tower during my stopover in Paris, then see the Golen Gate Bridge while coming in for a landing at SFO.
The trip itself came off ok, except I think Air France's motto must be, "we hate the people in coach" Really, I've never felt so prodded, placed and processed in my life. They must see passengers the way Fed-Ex sees a box.
Got in to SF at about 1:30 pm local time. Since then I've had five cigarettes, not many in other words. I'm going to try to ween myself down to only a few per day, if not give them up entirely before I get to Phoenix next week. Several times over the past few days in Moscow, I was about to buy a carton or two so I'd have them during my trip, but each time I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I decided to use the high price of cigarettes here as incentive to give it up. Well, either that will happen, or I'll just spends shitloads of money on cigarettes.
hopefully I'll have some pictures to post within a day or two.
Been too long I realise. As soon as I got back to Moscow this week I got hit with a bunch of shit about the summer camp job I'm trying to get in Korea for this coming July. The best I can report is that one way or another the situation will definitely resolve itself soon. Been working on getting some photos of my trip posted. It's been kinda slow going, but I should have at least a few up by tomorrow night.
Gots to sleep now.
Gots to sleep now.
