Several things have happened over the past few days that have collectively brought me to a somewhat major decision. I’ll try to recount them as briefly as I can.
Korea has been really hard for me lately. I’m tired of the food, tired of the crowds, the smells and the ‘tude. When things get hard for me, I fantasize about escaping. I “escaped” when I went on my LDS mission (it got me away from my depressing family problems), when I went to college, when I moved to Portland and when I left the US altogether to come to Korea the first time. So I’ve thought lately about escaping again, back to the United States or to some other unsuspecting country. The difference is I know what’s going on this time. I can resist the urge, but that doesn’t mean it’s any easier.
Last week I had a problem with a student in one of my classes, and just was angry in general. (Caffeine withdrawal was at least partially to blame). After the class with the problem student I told my co-teacher it was too frustrating, and maybe I was the wrong person for this job. The teacher said every teacher feels that way, but eventually they find ways to deal with it. It seems to me they “deal” with it by becoming jaded; by going through the motions and not caring about whether they are effective or if the kids are learning. They become the system in other words.
Yesterday, I started out having a bad day. It could have easily turned into a lay-around-and-do-nothing day, but I forced myself to get up and do some stuff. As part of my be-kind-to-myself plan, I visited a sauna—a “normal” sauna in my neighborhood. That was nice and relaxing and all that, and when I finished, I came out to the drying-off area and was going to weigh myself like I usually do. I usually try to wait until there is no one else near the scale, but it was so crowded yesterday I decided not to care, and just hopped on. Well, an old man lurched over, bent down to look at the readout on the scale, then pointed at the number and laughed. Pointed. And. Laughed! If I were to tell that to a Korean, they would say how it’s a cultural difference and it doesn’t mean the same thing or some other equivocating bullshit. But how is there any other way possible to interpret that? Pointed and laughed, I’m telling you.
I mumbled “fuck you!” and gave the man a dirty look and walked away. In retrospect, I actually regret that I didn’t cause a bigger scene about it, but that is just my sick thinking. The guy was seriously like 80 years old. I could have taken him, is what I’m saying.
Back in the changing room I sat down on the bench in front of my locker and just put my head in my hands. I was too angry to do anything else just then. I think I would have cried from frustration, but naked crying is never a pretty sight. My thought just then was, “I give up. You win, Korea,” but then became, “I’m leaving you Korea, you don’t deserve me!”
I should mention it also rained like a motherfucker yesterday, which didn’t help my mood any great deal. Instead of going home to sulk (and eat probably) as I’d originally planned, I just stayed on the subway and went downtown to where the AA meetings are held. I hung out for a while then went to the meeting. The speaker was a Korean-American neurosurgeon who was here visiting with his family. On a side note, his talked underscored the point that being smart, successful, wealthy or attractive (And Doctor was a hunk, let me tell you), or having a cute family won’t necessarily make you happy. You can have all those things and still be fucked up. You can have none of those things and have a serene and meaningful life.
Anyway, while Doctor was speaking I had the thought that I should skip Russia for my vacation this August and come home to the states instead. I need to decompress. I need to have the right of way. I need to order a hamburger with heavy onions, hold the pickle and hold the tomatoes, and get it actually made that way. I need to go to a bank at 5:55 pm. I need to buy wheat bread that doesn’t have fucking walnuts in it. I need to buy produce out of season. I need to go to a movie theater and sit any goddamned place I want to. I need a grande, decaf, skinny, no-whip mocha. In short, I need a break.
I mulled this idea over during the talk and all I can say is, it
Just
Felt
Right.
It creates its own problems, maybe as many as it solves, but it is the right thing. So it looks like I’ll be in the states from about August 12th till about September 3rd or something like that. Then I think I’ll feel a lot more peaceful about coming back to Korea for another year. At the very least I’ll be able to stock up on some new clothes and books and stuff.
By the way, I don’t seriously want to beat up 80 year-old men. I just want to be clear about that.
And Masha…I’m really sorry I won’t get to see you this summer. I really do want to visit Moscow again. I just need to do this other thing right now. I hope you can understand.
Korea has been really hard for me lately. I’m tired of the food, tired of the crowds, the smells and the ‘tude. When things get hard for me, I fantasize about escaping. I “escaped” when I went on my LDS mission (it got me away from my depressing family problems), when I went to college, when I moved to Portland and when I left the US altogether to come to Korea the first time. So I’ve thought lately about escaping again, back to the United States or to some other unsuspecting country. The difference is I know what’s going on this time. I can resist the urge, but that doesn’t mean it’s any easier.
Last week I had a problem with a student in one of my classes, and just was angry in general. (Caffeine withdrawal was at least partially to blame). After the class with the problem student I told my co-teacher it was too frustrating, and maybe I was the wrong person for this job. The teacher said every teacher feels that way, but eventually they find ways to deal with it. It seems to me they “deal” with it by becoming jaded; by going through the motions and not caring about whether they are effective or if the kids are learning. They become the system in other words.
Yesterday, I started out having a bad day. It could have easily turned into a lay-around-and-do-nothing day, but I forced myself to get up and do some stuff. As part of my be-kind-to-myself plan, I visited a sauna—a “normal” sauna in my neighborhood. That was nice and relaxing and all that, and when I finished, I came out to the drying-off area and was going to weigh myself like I usually do. I usually try to wait until there is no one else near the scale, but it was so crowded yesterday I decided not to care, and just hopped on. Well, an old man lurched over, bent down to look at the readout on the scale, then pointed at the number and laughed. Pointed. And. Laughed! If I were to tell that to a Korean, they would say how it’s a cultural difference and it doesn’t mean the same thing or some other equivocating bullshit. But how is there any other way possible to interpret that? Pointed and laughed, I’m telling you.
I mumbled “fuck you!” and gave the man a dirty look and walked away. In retrospect, I actually regret that I didn’t cause a bigger scene about it, but that is just my sick thinking. The guy was seriously like 80 years old. I could have taken him, is what I’m saying.
Back in the changing room I sat down on the bench in front of my locker and just put my head in my hands. I was too angry to do anything else just then. I think I would have cried from frustration, but naked crying is never a pretty sight. My thought just then was, “I give up. You win, Korea,” but then became, “I’m leaving you Korea, you don’t deserve me!”
I should mention it also rained like a motherfucker yesterday, which didn’t help my mood any great deal. Instead of going home to sulk (and eat probably) as I’d originally planned, I just stayed on the subway and went downtown to where the AA meetings are held. I hung out for a while then went to the meeting. The speaker was a Korean-American neurosurgeon who was here visiting with his family. On a side note, his talked underscored the point that being smart, successful, wealthy or attractive (And Doctor was a hunk, let me tell you), or having a cute family won’t necessarily make you happy. You can have all those things and still be fucked up. You can have none of those things and have a serene and meaningful life.
Anyway, while Doctor was speaking I had the thought that I should skip Russia for my vacation this August and come home to the states instead. I need to decompress. I need to have the right of way. I need to order a hamburger with heavy onions, hold the pickle and hold the tomatoes, and get it actually made that way. I need to go to a bank at 5:55 pm. I need to buy wheat bread that doesn’t have fucking walnuts in it. I need to buy produce out of season. I need to go to a movie theater and sit any goddamned place I want to. I need a grande, decaf, skinny, no-whip mocha. In short, I need a break.
I mulled this idea over during the talk and all I can say is, it
Just
Felt
Right.
It creates its own problems, maybe as many as it solves, but it is the right thing. So it looks like I’ll be in the states from about August 12th till about September 3rd or something like that. Then I think I’ll feel a lot more peaceful about coming back to Korea for another year. At the very least I’ll be able to stock up on some new clothes and books and stuff.
By the way, I don’t seriously want to beat up 80 year-old men. I just want to be clear about that.
And Masha…I’m really sorry I won’t get to see you this summer. I really do want to visit Moscow again. I just need to do this other thing right now. I hope you can understand.
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