Thanks everyone who patiently kept checking for updates during my recent unplanned hiatus. Much like the weather, my mental state hasn’t really improved much, but I thought it was time to write something about it anyway. So, I guess you could say I’m revoking the Thumper rule.
Last Friday I was on my way to teach a class when I was called into the principal’s office. It’s funny. No matter how old I get, when I’m told I have to speak to the principal, I still get that old feeling. My “official” contract and plane ticket had arrived was all. It was sitting right there in the admin office, but they couldn’t just hand it to me. The principal himself had to do it, all official like. The vice-principal took me in to the principal’s office. He (the principal) congratulated me on renewing my contract. I bowed and thanked him and was very gracious, but as I took the envelope, instead of feeling happy my heart just sank.
The actual receiving of the contract means nothing. It’s already signed and sealed. I even went to immigration and renewed my visa already (much too soon I’ve since found out). Friday’s five-second ceremony was purely symbolic, but all of a sudden it all seemed very real, and I had an overwhelming feeling that I’d made a terrible, terrible mistake.
There is a lot of backstory as to why I had that sudden panic attack. Some of it was just my neuroses acting up; some of it did have some basis in fact however. Telling the difference is the hard part. While I could get into specifics, I don’t really feel like it right now. It would just a lot of that ranty, bitchy, self-pity stuff that I said before I didn’t want to do. The point is that either way, it was too late by then.
Thankfully it was a long weekend, so I had more time to decompress before facing my school again today. I spent a lot of it thinking about why I’m doing this. Am I really just here for the money? If I’m having such a hard time, should I even be a teacher? And if not, what else? I certainly don’t have other ideas, at least not now.
So here it is Tuesday night now. The kids had their last day of school of the semester today. They are off until September. Well, Korean kids never really get a day off, but they won’t have regular school classes for six weeks anyway. Unfortunately, I still haven’t come to any conclusions about my weekend of soul searching (I’m not gonna make a Seoul joke, damnit), only that the best response for now is to do nothing. I’m really hoping this just means I need a vacation. I hope I’ll feel differently in September.
***
Just one more quick little update: Perhaps partially to soothe my aching spirit, but also because I’ve wanted to do it for a long time, I upgraded my digital camera over the weekend. I was going to buy a $400 Canon Powershot, but finally said “What the hell?” and got the $690 Canon Rebel XT digital SLR instead. Well, technically what I have is the “Digital KISS N.” It’s exactly the same camera, only mine was imported from Japan. It’s a bit of an extravagance to be sure. It’s my first “real” camera ever, and I’m still getting used to it. Here’s the first sample of my handiwork. Hopefully there will be many more to come.
Last Friday I was on my way to teach a class when I was called into the principal’s office. It’s funny. No matter how old I get, when I’m told I have to speak to the principal, I still get that old feeling. My “official” contract and plane ticket had arrived was all. It was sitting right there in the admin office, but they couldn’t just hand it to me. The principal himself had to do it, all official like. The vice-principal took me in to the principal’s office. He (the principal) congratulated me on renewing my contract. I bowed and thanked him and was very gracious, but as I took the envelope, instead of feeling happy my heart just sank.
The actual receiving of the contract means nothing. It’s already signed and sealed. I even went to immigration and renewed my visa already (much too soon I’ve since found out). Friday’s five-second ceremony was purely symbolic, but all of a sudden it all seemed very real, and I had an overwhelming feeling that I’d made a terrible, terrible mistake.
There is a lot of backstory as to why I had that sudden panic attack. Some of it was just my neuroses acting up; some of it did have some basis in fact however. Telling the difference is the hard part. While I could get into specifics, I don’t really feel like it right now. It would just a lot of that ranty, bitchy, self-pity stuff that I said before I didn’t want to do. The point is that either way, it was too late by then.
Thankfully it was a long weekend, so I had more time to decompress before facing my school again today. I spent a lot of it thinking about why I’m doing this. Am I really just here for the money? If I’m having such a hard time, should I even be a teacher? And if not, what else? I certainly don’t have other ideas, at least not now.
So here it is Tuesday night now. The kids had their last day of school of the semester today. They are off until September. Well, Korean kids never really get a day off, but they won’t have regular school classes for six weeks anyway. Unfortunately, I still haven’t come to any conclusions about my weekend of soul searching (I’m not gonna make a Seoul joke, damnit), only that the best response for now is to do nothing. I’m really hoping this just means I need a vacation. I hope I’ll feel differently in September.
***
Just one more quick little update: Perhaps partially to soothe my aching spirit, but also because I’ve wanted to do it for a long time, I upgraded my digital camera over the weekend. I was going to buy a $400 Canon Powershot, but finally said “What the hell?” and got the $690 Canon Rebel XT digital SLR instead. Well, technically what I have is the “Digital KISS N.” It’s exactly the same camera, only mine was imported from Japan. It’s a bit of an extravagance to be sure. It’s my first “real” camera ever, and I’m still getting used to it. Here’s the first sample of my handiwork. Hopefully there will be many more to come.
I quite enjoyed this post, Brian, especially the picture, the joke you didn't make, and the line about "that old feeling"!
Good luck with everything. Perhaps when the sun comes out more, you'll feel a little better; sometimes the weather affects me, too.
I think that it's quite possible to write about what's irking a person without coming across as a petty, mean spirited ranter, so don't worry too much about that. You strike me as a very contemplative, carefully thinking person, not as a ranter.
Have a good break, and enjoy your camera!